All Behaviour is Communication - What does this mean? Great Books for Parents

Understanding the Message Behind the Meltdown

If you’ve ever wondered why your toddler throws a toy when asked to tidy up or your preschooler has a meltdown when it’s time to leave the park—you’re not alone. These behaviours are more than just mischief or defiance. They’re messages.

All behaviour is communication.

This simple idea is one of the most important things a parent can understand when supporting their child’s emotional and behavioural development.

What Does “All Behaviour Is Communication” Mean?

Young children (especially those under age 6) often lack the language, brain maturity, and emotional control to express what they feel or need. So they show us instead.

A child who is:

• Screaming → may be overwhelmed.
• Throwing toys → may feel frustrated or powerless.
• Refusing to share → may be anxious or unsure of what to do.

According to The Circle of Security model (Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin, & Powell, 1998), children’s behaviour often reflects a need for connection, safety, or regulation. Recognising this allows parents to respond with curiosity instead of control.

Why It Matters

When we see behaviour as communication, we shift our mindset from “How do I stop this?” to “What is my child trying to tell me?”

This shift creates:

• More empathy
• Less frustration
• Stronger relationships
• Better outcomes over time

The Raising Children Network (Australia’s evidence-based parenting resource) explains that understanding the root cause of behaviour helps parents respond in ways that teach—not just manage—behaviour. (raisingchildren.net.au)

What Is Co-Regulation?

Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves down. That skill develops gradually—and only with our help.

Co-regulation is when a caring adult helps a child manage big emotions. This could look like:

• Staying calm when your child is upset
• Offering comfort, hugs, or soothing words
• Helping them name their feelings
• Modeling how to breathe, talk, or solve a problem

This process builds the foundation for self-regulation, the ability to manage one’s own emotions and behaviours.

Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle, explains that children must be “regulated before they can self-regulate.” That means they need repeated, safe, responsive moments of co-regulation first.

Strategies That Help

Here are some practical strategies you can use right away:

🧩 Tune In Before You React

Instead of “Why are you acting like this?” try:

“I wonder what’s making this so hard for you right now?”

🎯 Name the Feeling

“You’re sad we had to leave the playground. That’s okay.”

👐 Offer Comfort and Containment

“Come sit with me. I’ll help you through this.”

🧸 Use Visual or Sensory Tools

Try picture schedules, emotion cards, or a calming kit with a toy, fidget, or breathing tool.

📚 Use Play, Books, and Stories

Pretend play and stories about emotions help children make sense of feelings in a safe way.

Recommended Resources

• Books:
  
• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
• Self-Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker
• No-Drama Discipline by Siegel & Bryson
• Websites:
  
• Raising Children Network
• Circle of Security
• Harvard Center on the Developing Child